I started reading Maggie Nelson’s Bluets. It’s as gorgeous as I’ve always been told it is. It’s reminding me of Francisco Goldman’s Say Her Name, though I was admittedly thinking about that book before I bought this one last night. In both, there is the loss of a lover, followed by the fascination with something specific (the color blue and waves, respectively), followed by creation.
This made me realize that the dissolution of my long-term relationship has led to a fascination with women. When the relationship began, I was a child. When it ended, I was supposedly a woman. In between, though, for a long time, there was no becoming. In between, I was of a unit. Always, I was resistant to this. I see this in hindsight. The relationship was only allowed to end once I almost fully disengaged from it and began my becoming, through yoga, through food, through a sudden appreciation of the outdoors. When it was done, I was ready.
He said to me once, “You never made a grand gesture to save us.” That was because there was nothing of us left, because I had made myself and we no longer fit.
The fascination, the research continue. Eventually, maybe, creation.